and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
