yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
