He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
