1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize