he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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