so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
