Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
