Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
