hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
