nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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