I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
