So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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