Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
