dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
