i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
