Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I need to calm my uterus...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
