last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
