I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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