I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need water and some morals
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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