I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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