Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
