I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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