i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
