he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
