Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
