Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
