OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
