Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
