I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
