I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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