I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
