I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
