Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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