hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
