I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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