i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
