Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Your cock deserves a montage
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
