I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
