I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
