She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
