literally had 100 drinks last night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
