1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i think i just lost a toe
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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