he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm both gender and math confused
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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