doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
