I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
