Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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