Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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