my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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