The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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