All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
