watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I touched a dick in church today
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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