Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
