Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this boner is exhausting
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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