Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Use "feeling words"
Yay
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
